When you said yes to dinner at that new sushi place last week, it sounded like a great idea. Now that the agreed-upon day has arrived, you’re exhausted, and the prospect of putting on real pants and traveling across town feels like the least appealing way to spend your evening. You want to see your friend, but you’d rather lounge on the couch.
Yet before you send a cancellation text, consider a smaller proposition: Could dinner become a 20-minute walk? Could your friend come over for takeout? Could you catch up in the clothes you’re already wearing, without making “getting ready” a production?
Jana Rundle, a clinical psychologist in Austin, regularly helps her clients make these adjustments. When people are overwhelmed, she says, they tend to think they either have to follow through on a planned elaborate outing or skip it altogether. Shrinking the plan gives them another option.
“Let’s identify what’s hard about this and solve that problem so we can still get the connection we need,” she says. “The goal is just to get together.”
Here’s how scaling back can help you reap the benefits of socialization—and how to make sure you have ample energy for your next plan.
Why shrinking your plans can help your friendships
Having time to see someone isn’t the same as having the energy. That distinction is central to a model of social relationships co-developed by Katherine Fiori, a professor and associate dean for foundational psychology and faculty involvement at Adelphi University in Garden City, N.Y. The model considers time and energy separate resources people invest in their connections.
You might have two free hours, for example, but feel depleted by everything involved in using them: getting ready, traveling, making conversation with people you barely know. Spending time with a close friend can require less effort, Fiori says, because there’s less pressure to present a polished version of yourself. The person who’s known you for years probably doesn’t need you to be dazzling over appetizers.
Making a plan less demanding can help you follow through on a night when you’d otherwise cancel. When you bail on something that feels overwhelming, the immediate relief can reinforce the habit, says Shannon Sauer-Zavala, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. The next time you feel stretched thin, you’ll be more inclined to do it again.
Over time, you can start to believe you’re only capable of socializing when you feel your best. You’ll also miss opportunities to discover that seeing someone was more enjoyable—and probably less taxing—than you anticipated.
A manageable get-together gives you a chance to find out you’re up for more than you thought. And sometimes, Fiori says, the connection supplies some of the energy you thought you were missing: “You can actually get some of that energy back, in a way.”
Figure out what makes social plans feel overwhelming
Rundle suggests a quick thought experiment: Imagine the outing lasted 20 minutes, was easy to get to, and went smoothly. Would you want to go?
If that sounds lovely, the problem may be the logistics surrounding the visit. “Is it the commute to get there? Is it the cost? Is it the cleaning and cooking you would have to do if you were hosting?” she says. “Is it how long the event is?”
Once you know what’s making a plan feel overwhelming, you can suggest a change that takes some of the pressure off, like meeting halfway to cut down on the drive or ordering pizza so you don’t have to cook. If you’re dreading getting dressed up, propose something you can do in sweatpants. For Rundle’s clients, who are often dealing with new motherhood, a stroller walk can feel much more feasible than a fancy dinner.
There are also ways to fit time with friends into things you already need to do. Fiori likes the idea of “admin nights,” when people gather with their laptops to tackle the tasks they’ve been putting off. Normally, those chores eat into the time and energy available for socializing. “To be able to combine those is kind of brilliant,” she says. You can pay bills or unsubscribe from emails with someone beside you to talk and joke with, making an otherwise tedious evening more pleasant.
These smaller get-togethers can be especially useful for keeping up with friends you already know well, Rundle says. A quick coffee or a walk lets you stay in each other’s lives during weeks when a whole evening out feels impossible.
How to change plans without making friends feel rejected
Asking to change plans can feel awkward, especially if you’re worried your friend will interpret it as rejection. Rundle recommends starting by saying how much you want to spend time together, then explaining what would make that possible.
For example: “I really want to see you, but I’m running on fumes. Would you be up for takeout at my place instead?”
Or: “I’m excited to catch up. Could we make it a quick walk? I need an early night.”
Your friend might even be relieved, Rundle says: They may be struggling to muster the energy for the original plan, too. “These are your friends and they love you,” she says. “So they’ll meet you where you are, typically.”
Make getting together easier from the start
If everyone were to wait for a clean house and the energy to make a cheese board, they might never host again. Rundle suggests being the friend who makes it clear that neither is required. “Come as you are, come in sweatpants,” she says. You can order pizza and leave the mess where it is.
“Somebody’s gotta send out the text,” she says. Otherwise, everyone can end up staying home because hosting sounds like too much work.
Of course, sometimes canceling is the right call. If you’re sick or genuinely need rest, give yourself that time, Rundle says—and take the initiative to reconnect when you’re able. If even the easiest version of a visit fills you with dread, consider how you tend to feel around that person. Consistently leaving feeling judged or depleted warrants a closer look at the relationship.
But when you want the company and can’t face the production, try making the plan smaller. “It doesn’t have to be some version of perfect,” Rundle says. “It should just be staying in each other’s lives and connecting in those moments.”
